How To Have A Bad Time
I went to a garden party.
Rick Nelson wasn’t there.
There was no music of any kind.
Just mounds of Tupperware.
My hostess was a woman,
A stranger to me, I’m afraid.
I was dragged to this thing by my cousin’s wife
To benefit her Ladies Aid
That’s a thing that generates money
You give till you can’t give no more
The cash is for widows and orphans
To keep them from begging at your door.
So, I said I would go to the stupid thing
I’m sorry now I spoke up
‘Cause the very last thing I needed to buy
Was an indestructible plastic cup.
I asked, “Can’t I just give them money?”
“Must I really buy some of this crap?”
Cindy gave me a look that spoke volumes.
She said, :”Well, I can tell you’ve done missed yer nap.”
She told me to go look at the flowers
On the tables decorated so nice
There were pumpkins and gourds and harvesty things
There was no need to tell me twice.
A perky young woman with freckles
Offered me something to drink
It was orange and had things floating in it
I poured it down the sink.
Drinks festooned with floaters
Just don't appeal to me
Unless, of course, there's alcohol
That's alright with me!
So I filled a wee plate with fresh veggies
I knew they would give me the gas
But, I hoped I’d be far away from this place
When it was time to let the gas pass.
I sat down at one of the tables
And made conversation bland and polite
With a woman adorned with a hairdo
Better worn on a Halloween night.
Then I went and looked at the plastic
And debated on what I should buy
A thing that holds pickles and olives?
Or containers in endless supply?
I didn’t need or want any of it
And although the displays were appealing
Nothing there took my fancy at all
Though the choices were stacked to the ceiling.
I looked for Cindy and found her
And asked if it was time to go.
But she said, “Are you nuts? Are you kidding?
“There’s games to play, don’t cha know!”
“Oh, shit!” I said to myself.
No one said a thing about games before.
Just how much longer am I expected to suffer
Before I can flee through the door?
“I’m not playing,” I said and sat down with a plop
Next to the lady with the scary hairdo.
“I don’t blame you,” the woman mumbled.
“I don’t play those damn games, too.”
So we sat and talked about gardens
And how crappy the weather had been
While all the other ladies in the room
Passed an orange from chin to chin.
Finally, it was time to go.
I bought no Tupperware.
But, left a donation with the Ladies Aid
I was glad to get out of there!
Cindy was grumpy all the way home.
I was a Tupperware party pooper.
“This is the last time I’m bringing you!” she said.
“Woo hoo!” I thought, “ That’s super!”
You’d think that folks would know by now,
I’m not the afternoon tea party sort.
These attempts to try and civilize me
Have become somewhat of a sport.
They’ll always fail, they’ll never win
I like the way I am.
I like that I don’t play those games
Or buy things because I can.
I’m a Tupperware party pooper
But, please, don’t get me wrong
I’m not so anti-social
If the right party comes along.
If you’re gonna have a party
And invite me to join in
For cripe’s sake…play some music!
And pass around the gin.
I went to a garden party.
Rick Nelson wasn’t there.
There was no music of any kind.
Just mounds of Tupperware.
My hostess was a woman,
A stranger to me, I’m afraid.
I was dragged to this thing by my cousin’s wife
To benefit her Ladies Aid
That’s a thing that generates money
You give till you can’t give no more
The cash is for widows and orphans
To keep them from begging at your door.
So, I said I would go to the stupid thing
I’m sorry now I spoke up
‘Cause the very last thing I needed to buy
Was an indestructible plastic cup.
I asked, “Can’t I just give them money?”
“Must I really buy some of this crap?”
Cindy gave me a look that spoke volumes.
She said, :”Well, I can tell you’ve done missed yer nap.”
She told me to go look at the flowers
On the tables decorated so nice
There were pumpkins and gourds and harvesty things
There was no need to tell me twice.
A perky young woman with freckles
Offered me something to drink
It was orange and had things floating in it
I poured it down the sink.
Drinks festooned with floaters
Just don't appeal to me
Unless, of course, there's alcohol
That's alright with me!
So I filled a wee plate with fresh veggies
I knew they would give me the gas
But, I hoped I’d be far away from this place
When it was time to let the gas pass.
I sat down at one of the tables
And made conversation bland and polite
With a woman adorned with a hairdo
Better worn on a Halloween night.
Then I went and looked at the plastic
And debated on what I should buy
A thing that holds pickles and olives?
Or containers in endless supply?
I didn’t need or want any of it
And although the displays were appealing
Nothing there took my fancy at all
Though the choices were stacked to the ceiling.
I looked for Cindy and found her
And asked if it was time to go.
But she said, “Are you nuts? Are you kidding?
“There’s games to play, don’t cha know!”
“Oh, shit!” I said to myself.
No one said a thing about games before.
Just how much longer am I expected to suffer
Before I can flee through the door?
“I’m not playing,” I said and sat down with a plop
Next to the lady with the scary hairdo.
“I don’t blame you,” the woman mumbled.
“I don’t play those damn games, too.”
So we sat and talked about gardens
And how crappy the weather had been
While all the other ladies in the room
Passed an orange from chin to chin.
Finally, it was time to go.
I bought no Tupperware.
But, left a donation with the Ladies Aid
I was glad to get out of there!
Cindy was grumpy all the way home.
I was a Tupperware party pooper.
“This is the last time I’m bringing you!” she said.
“Woo hoo!” I thought, “ That’s super!”
You’d think that folks would know by now,
I’m not the afternoon tea party sort.
These attempts to try and civilize me
Have become somewhat of a sport.
They’ll always fail, they’ll never win
I like the way I am.
I like that I don’t play those games
Or buy things because I can.
I’m a Tupperware party pooper
But, please, don’t get me wrong
I’m not so anti-social
If the right party comes along.
If you’re gonna have a party
And invite me to join in
For cripe’s sake…play some music!
And pass around the gin.
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